Does the PAST really matter?

Say you are married, been trying to have a baby with your husband for the longest time, and after being physically and verbally abused by him for 7 years, you found out that he was infertile. He is now paranoid and locks you up at home accusing you of committing adultery, abusing you more than before. You finally decided to leave him and are going through a divorce now.
In the process, you chalked up huge credit cards debts, borrowed money from helpful friends, and became pregnant (which you eventually decided to go for an abortion) with a boyfriend with whom you were using to rebound. You then turn to drugs and alcohol to escape from reality, knowing that you are just being scared and that you are going to have to face everything eventually.

You have finally got life back to normal and you meet a guy that you feel you can spend your life with. He is promising. He is good-looking, is charming, has a good career, got excellent academic qualifications, and is caring towards you. The question now is…

Does YOUR Past really matter?

Are you going to allow the past to haunt you?

Are you going to deny yourself of something good that will happen for you because of YOUR PAST?

Would you allow yourself to delve into depression using YOUR PAST as a justification?

Would you start to think lesser of yourself just because you did not have by society’s standard a “respectable” past?

Would you allow others or even worse, yourself, to give yourself labels like divorcee, drug abuser, alcoholic, and etc?

Are you going to tell yourself that he deserves someone more “pure” than you because of YOUR PAST?

Hoping that he will prefer someone with a cleaner past as compared to you so that you both need not worry about any potential social stigma?

Does the past really matter?

Don’t live in the past because you can never change it…
Don’t worry about the future because tomorrow may never come…
Instead, embrace the present because the present is NOW and it is also a GIFT.

Memoirs of a player

“Face it; you just don’t have it in you.” April said it mockingly about 8 months back. Damn, I just hate it when people read me like an open book. It’s way too vulnerable for my liking.

I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and I was beginning to have an epiphany. I thought to myself, “If that is who she thinks I am, then that is exactly who I shall be!” Its funny how when we allow emotions to get the best of us and try to do/say things just to spite them; I was 6 years old all over again.

It wasn’t a pretty sight, my SMSes would be vetted one after another, my phonebook would be scrolled thoroughly from A to Z, and my schedule be questioned over and over again.

Flirt. Player. Cheater. Was it her, being overly paranoid? Or was it I, being overly friendly? I never knew what was it that I did or didn’t do, but somehow she was never secure about us… She always accused me of cheating on her, funny, cos I gave her all my free time (which was what she wanted) and undivided attention.
Her mum would encourage her as well, behind my back, the shrewd woman that she was, saw that it was her means to drive a wedge between us. What did I ever do to you? I merely loved your daughter, and loved her with all my heart I did. I would have loved you like a mother as well.

Enough. A relationship without trust is merely a false pretence. I have had enough of being accused. The relationship soured, the feelings wilted, and my wall erected. Breaking point.

April mocked me again. “Yeah, you may look the part if you dress up and groom yourself a little, but it is not in you. You lack the natural instinct that a player needs. You reek of nice. You are too principled. You are old-fashioned. You should just be you. Someone will see through all of the layers and know that you aren’t the unfaithful kind.”

Darn it, I am tired of being nice. Everyone who has met me for the first time never fails to say that I am nice. Nice, that is all that was said about me. No!!! “Nice” is what you would say about the bespectacled boy who is never noticed by anyone.

I retorted, “You’ll see. I’ll show the player that I am.” April barely managed to not laugh at me yet again, sensing the pain, anger, and anguish in my eyes. “Ok, prove me otherwise.”

Fast forward to present day, I am still the man I was before, far from being the player that I vowed to be. Damn it, April was right yet again, and I knew I didn’t have it in me to prove her otherwise.

I hate being an open book…

Making it harder than already is

I am but a wretched fool. I knew it would happen sooner or later, I wanted it to happen and yet I was afraid it would; still, I went with my heart instead of my head. Would it be a mistake or would it be the best thing, I am not sure if I have the courage to find out. Too much is at stake already, or at least for me.

I have gotten used to it, your morning calls and messages, so much so till I wouldn’t open my eyes until I hear from you. What is it exactly do you have over me?

We talk, we laugh, and we have lots of fun. The truth of the matter is, the better we get, the more I fear. Fear that as time passes, the real me isn’t good enough for you. That’s what happened so many times in the past, and I am so tired of failing to meet expectations time and again.

Expectations – the dirtiest word in the English language. Everything is beautiful till expectations ruin it. So, what now? Are you waiting for me to initiate or shall we linger in this gray area for a little while more so that you know what you are getting yourself into?
If it is any consolation, I did try to warn you about me, so hopefully, you know what to expect (ah… the dirty word yet again). It takes a lot of effort for me to come out of my shell, I wonder if I still have it in me? If I don’t, would you care to give me an extra hand?
I don’t have the answers, far from it. Hell, I think I may even have more questions than you.